An Amazing Christmas Present

If I think about it today, I realize that I have been with Amma now for twelve years, and I have been staying at Her ashram in India on and off for ten years. I know that Amma often says, 'Don't worry, my children. I am always with you.' But for me, this was only an intellectual concept, until Amma gave me an experience which showed me that She really is always with us, wherever we go.

When I came back to France from India last June, my focus was to earn the money I needed to return to Amma's ashram in India. I am an actor and so I began immediately to look for acting jobs as well as painting jobs. Usually I worked as a painter when the acting was slow. However I was unable to find much work in either field. By August, I was ready to do any work, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find any work at all. And when you wake up every morning at 8:00 and you don't know what you are going to do for the day, it can make you really anxious and depressed. Also, for me no income meant no India. I had just enough money to buy a ticket to India, but no money to stay there for any length of time. I was stuck in Paris like a fly on flypaper, and just as desperate.

The weeks and months passed. I saw Amma during Her Europe tour that fall. While I was receiving Her darshan in Toulon, I said in my heart, 'Amma, I have no work and no money. I don't know what I should do.' Amma embraced me and answered my prayer aloud, saying 'Don't worry, my son.'

But when Amma left, my nightmare continued. For the first time, I wasn't doing my daily archana or meditation. All I had left was my mantra, to which I clung tightly. I had reached the bottom of the dark pit of despair. At that point I said to myself, I'll try anything. This time I contacted everyone I knew, looking for work—to no avail. I didn't know what to do. I was completely lost.

Then one morning I got a phone call from a French devotee who with her husband would soon be on her way to Amritapuri for Christmas. I asked her if I could give her a letter to deliver to Amma. She agreed.

In the letter, I poured out my heart to Amma. It read:
"Amma, you know I am an actor and I really want to express my work in a spiritual way, to touch the hearts of the people in the audience. But now I am completely lost. I don't know what I should do with my life. I know You are with me, but I cannot feel You anymore. Please, Amma, give me a sign. Show me that You are with me."

Two days later, another devotee friend of mine called. I told her that I had written a letter to Amma, because some devotees were going back to India in a few days. She told me she would also like to send a letter to Amma. She asked me to see her on the way to drop off my letter so that I could bring one from her, too.

On the day I went to drop off my letter, I stopped by my friend's office. She gave me her letter, but she also gave me a package and said, 'When I was in India, I bought this present for you, but I never had the chance to give it to you.' I opened the package on the spot, and I was amazed to see one of Amma’s Devi Bhava saris. She said, 'It's for you.'

I felt surprised and blessed at the same time. The letter to Amma was still in my hand, and here was Her answer. I felt that Devi Herself had come in person to tell me, 'What did Amma tell you? Don't worry, my child. I am always with you.'

Two weeks before my scheduled flight to India, I received an unexpected sum in acting royalties. I was able to stay in India for six months.

- by Kripalu
posted on April 2003